a moment to process, please.

in just the little bit that i've read about the tragedy in haiti, i have come across so many differing opinions, perspectives, & thoughts.
tonight was the first time i allowed myself to FEEL long enough to hurt. it's so easy for me to make myself numb in the face of tragedy. but, tonight i was reminded or wise words from my hero, Mother Teresa:
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
.my heart hurts.
i hurt because it took the loss of THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of lives for our world to see and meet the need.
i hurt because it took a "natural disaster" for me to open my eyes to the spiritual disaster surrounding our world today
i hurt when i think of the 3-year old child - crying - found laying next to the dead body of his parent.
i hurt because my instant response was avoidance - don't watch the news, don't look at the pictures, don't acknowledge it as reality

and this hurt - or is it love? - births a hunger to be His hands & feet. there're so many more thoughts & emotions rolling through this heart of mine. but, i'll leave it at that.

sweet Jesus, thank You for being our ever present help in time of trouble.

Scars of Healing

a few months ago i was helping some friends repaint THOUSANDS of crosses. in the process i got a blister on my right hand. i didn't realize it until i was driving home from helping them.

it took WEEKS & WEEKS for the exposed skin of the popped blister to heal & for regrowth (i guess that's what you'd call it) to happen. even still, months later, there is a circle scar on my right hand where the blister was.

these crosses that i was helping to repaint are part of the Benton County Right To Life movement. a team of people display the 4,000 crosses throughout Arkansas to give a visual to the amount of lives lost daily to abortion.

as i've gone through the healing process of my blister, i've found myself lost in thought & prayer for the women of America who have fallen prey to the lie that there are little to no side effects of abortion.

i did not know i was getting wounded until the damage was done. i was driving home before i realized my hand had a popped blister that was red, puffy, & even a bit pussy. when i got home & disinfected it, the sting of the "healing" hurt more than getting the blister. just when i thought it was healed, a layer of skin would come off again, & the skin would be re-exposed, tender, & in need of constant moisturizing.

i am close friends with women who have had abortion(s) throughout their life. the pain, side effects, & hauntings were not evident in the clinic. it was afterwards. on their drive home. when they met women with the same due date as them. when the time of year would roll around when the abortion had taken place. one thing i have realized, the scar on my hand does not have to serve as a reminder of the wound. the scar serves as a reminder that my wound is healed

there has not been a day that has gone by since i got my blister that i have not looked at my hand & found myself praying for GOD's healing in the hearts of women - young & old - who have been impacted by the blister of abortion. i pray that God - in His all loving, gracious, & forgiving way - will disinfect, moisturize, & heal that open wound so only the scar of His Healing would remain.

Speaking for the voiceless,
cbs
Romans 8:1 "There is now therefore no condemnation for all who are in Christ..."

marvelous light

i answered the phone to hear my mom's shaking voice informing me that a friend & teammate of my brother's had unexpectedly died.

when i got back to work from lunch i was thinking of how unfortunate it was for Casey's life to be cut short. just as the thought came in i heard, "into marvelous light i am running. out of darkness. out of shame. by the cross You are the truth, You are the life, You are the way."

tonight my hope was confirmed. Casey has run into that marvelous light. his heart was surrendered to Christ. although answers of his untimely death will not come, there is a comfort in knowing that God - somehow - will work all things out for good.

random rantings (cont'd)

i have the awesome blessing of...A JOB! yes, i am aware that employment in this economy is not something to complain about -- so, i won't. i am very grateful for the God-fearing women whom i get to call boss AND friend. i am grateful for my spanish teachers (a.k.a. co-workers) who are teaching me new words and phrases daily. i WILL be fluent in spanish & french before i'm 30 years old. i'm grateful for the opportunity to influence so many lives for brief glimpses of their day as they come to sign in to see their doctor. it truly is a great way to spend my day!

now, can i follow that up with a HOWEVER...? it's my blog, so i'm going to say i can.
however, it's not what i was created for. i am notorious for over-spiritualizing things. but, i don't think this is one of those instances. pastor clint thomas gave a great message at slowburn a few months ago (www.slowburnnashville.com). it was part of his GUTS series & he challenged us to identify our "inhale" and "exhale." both are required to live.

do you ever have those moments that you let your heart & mind wander? i do quite often, honestly. (especially during both of my daily 1hr drives). i'm pretty sure i'd be fulfilled to work part-time at a local coffeeshop and spend the rest of my time volunteering here, there, and everywhere. finding a need & having the time & resources to meet that need. don't you wonder how that's possible in the movies?? people are able to live comfortably with no worries about bills or paychecks and they have the coolest, most flexible jobs that give them the freedom to spend all their time doing what they actually WANT to do? =)

but, obviously, i don't live in the movies (although i think a reality show of the steele family would be mildly entertaining). so, tomorrow i'll wake up at 5:45am. i'll leave for work at 6:45am. i'll work from 7:45am-4:45pm. i'll do it with a grateful heart while hoping for that miraculous door of opportunity to open.

restlessly content to pursue His fullness moment-by-moment,
cbs

random rantings

the past few weeks i have found myself asking, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" to quite a few people. it's a fun way for me to get to know people and it can lead to some awesome conversations!
this morning at work, i thought, "what difference am i making today?" i mean, sure, i'm nice to the patients who come in our clinic. i attempt to portray the reality of Christ to my co-workers. but, do you ever have that, "there must be more to life than this," feeling? oh, it was stirring BIG TIME in my heart this morning!

since coming home there has been GREAT progress made at Shiloh Retreat Center. that is encouraging to my soul! i think once that is going full speed ahead, i'll have a venue to impact lives. but, i don't want to wait. i don't want to spend my life in neutral. i want to be moving forward at all times.

perhaps i'm just getting antsy, because for the first time i see ACTION taking place for this DREAM to become a reality. oh, i have dreamed of the day that youth from all over will gather at Shiloh Retreat Center to worship the ONE, TRUE GOD! these youth will dive into the depths of His Truth and be forever changed by the power of His reality. friends! when i think about it, tears come to my eyes, my heart beats faster, and i just want to squeal in delight!

but, alas, we're in work mode. we're in preparation mode. hmmm, i wonder if Jesus ever feels like this as He prepares our Heavenly Home and awaits our arrival. He knows what a joyous experience it will be that He just can't contain His excitement! but, that doesn't change the reality that there's preparation to be done before the experience can happen.

random rantings from my heart,
cbs

timely reminder

this afternoon i found myself at my computer looking over old emails & journal entries. WHAT A REFRESHING TIME!!! i was totally reminded of the work GOD has & is doing in my heart.
it's late. i'm tired. i get to go to work tomorrow. all that to say...expect a loaded blog soon....

Wonder Tour Journal Entry

june 10, '09

Abba,
Thank You for Your faithfulness.
A couple nights ago li'l Miss London showed me her lightning bug container. She was gonna catch some lightning bugs and "take 'em back to her bus." (they've been sleeping in a tour bus).
Last night during WT worship I saw a couple lightning bugs, but, didn't think much of it. After worship one of the students came up to me and said, "I just had a miracle!"
He went on to share that he saw lightning bugs during worship adn thought, "why are they in here? They don't belong."
God showed him that we are the lightning bugs. The community may be looking at us thinking, "Why are they here? They don't belong."
But, we keep doing our thing and shining His light. Eventually somebody is gonna do what London did. Osawatomie, Kansas is coming into the Wonder Tour with their "containers" (aka hearts) to catch some "lightning bugs" (aka Jesus) and take Him home to light up their room.
Thank You, Jesus, for Your TRUTH which can be proclaimed over Osawatomie!

John 12:35-36
"Then Jesus told them, 'You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. Those who walk in the dark do not know where they are going. Put your trust in the light while you have the light, so that you may become children of light.'"