humbled by His love

Earlier this week I attended the last Truth Project (my bible study this semester) and was challenged by the message of meeting the needs of the needy. I'm not sure why, but God has softened my heart to the needy as long as I can remember. From the time I was a young kindergarten student and befriended a classmate plagued by luekemia to this past week when I bought blankets & food for the less fortunate.
I remember going to Mauritania, Africa with the purpose of "loving the unloved and accepting the unaccepted." I enjoy walking into a crowd of people & building a relationship with the one who seems lonely or doesn't quite fit. In High School I was the wanderer. Going from clique to clique and not having that one "clique" to call my own.
I can't fully explain the emotion that rises within me when I read and process the words to scriptures such as:
Proverbs 29:7
"The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern."
Proverbs 31:8-9, 26
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue."

On Wednesday a friend of mine and I took blankets to the Manhattan emergency shelter. I fought back tears as we visited with the director. Hearing the stories of those living at the shelter brought them to life. They are not just a percentage...a number. They each have a face . a name . a story.
Today I spent an hour at a packed-out Wal-Mart with another friend buying food for a family who may not have a single present to open on Christmas morning.

When I sat with the beautiful orphan girls in Chennai, India, I remember thinking, "Why was I born to such a loving family in America?" Don't get me wrong, I'm EXTREMELY grateful for my life. But, I can't see what I've seen and hear what I've heard and do nothing about it. It's not enough to shed a couple tears and get back to my life. Action must be taken to improve the lives and eternities of those around me.
By the strength, grace, and guidance of my loving, humble God, I will continue to do my part to "love the unloved and accept the unaccepted."

Proverbs 24:10-12
"If you falter in time of trouble, how small is your strength!
Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter.
If you say, 'But we knew nothing about this,'
does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?
Does not he who guards your life know it?
Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?"

...

well, fall has fallen here in manhattan. i've enjoyed pulling out my scarf & bundling up a couple of times. life has been getting busy the past few weeks. my roommate, sarah, will be getting married in less than a month!!!! we spent a couple hours celebrating her yesterday (saturday) at her first of FIVE bridal showers.
last night a couple friends & i got together for a recipe exchange/movie night. we had a great time & watching a Christmas movie as we ate chili, bisuits, scalloped corn, & devil's food cake surprise cookies (YUM).
there are some changes coming up soon. both of my roomies will be relocating to be closer to the loves of their lives (sarah to clay center when she gets married & julie to wyoming to be closer to her boyfriend, scot). i'm not sure where my next home will be, but i'm excited to see where Jesus will choose for Us to live ;) life with Him is a constant adventure.

i met with the career development office at KSU a couple times and have decided on my major - communication studies - with a secondary major in international studies. after speaking with a new friend, i've begun thinking about also getting a minor in non-profit organizational leadership. EXCITING!!!!!!!
school this semester is getting a bit boring so i'm excited to get it wrapped up & move on to new classes & get closer to the classes that i'm passionate about (math, history, and science don't really fall into that category) ;)

well, thanks for a break from my history research paper...back to work.

you don't have to explain

ok, friends, i have a confession...you know the silly articles on msn.com? the topics range from "will she ever leave her boyfriend" to "how to dress your age" and yes i read one about moments a guy is most attracted to a girl.
(stick with me...this is going somewhere)
so, in the midst of times like, "when she locks eyes with me and smiles" and "when she's just gotten out of the shower" was one that came back to me later. "when she says, 'you don't have to explain.'" it went on to clarify that it's nice when a guy is 10 minutes late, or needs to run an errand, or isn't able to make it to an event and instead of getting grilled he hears, "you don't have to explain" because it communicates, "i trust you."

the past few weeks...ok, months...have had moments, hours, and most recently days of me saying, "EXPLAIN YOURSELF, GOD!" (it's been quite unattractive). as one friend put it, "you just found out you don't have all the answers and now your panties are in a wad." at the time, i graciously disagreed, but within hours realized she hit the nail on the head.

i remember when i was a little girl, my dad drilled it into our heads, "obey now. question later." i will never forget the moment this became real to me. we lived on a farm & i was in the back of a truck that dad was driving. i was sitting up on the side when dad yelled out the window, "cassie, sit in the bed of the truck now!"
"WHY? I DON'T WANT TO. I WON'T...*bam* (we drove under a tree & the branches scratched up my arms & back)
i started crying, expecting dad to feel bad and love on me. instead he said, "and that is why you do what i say when i say it. there's always time to question LATER."

i can choose to grumble & complain over unanswered questions or i can simply obey and ask questions later. and, honestly, there's a freedom - and attraction - in saying, "Ok. You don't have to explain," because it resonates the truth of, "i trust You." so, i'm getting off the "side of the truck" (aka doubting His truth and trying to complicate the simplicities) and sitting in the "bed of the truck" (aka safe and sound where i can enjoy the ride and the view).

random facts (this is for you, adge)

1). I'm content to never birth children. I enjoy being a "spiritual mother"

2). Discipleship makes me feel alive

3). When public speaking I prefer to speak to a large crowd of strangers than a small group of acquiantances & friends

4). I am overcoming a fear of committment

5). It is easier for me to hear someone's heart than to share my own

6). I want to get back into music/worship in a public setting...maybe someday

.where.

where do i go for a meltdown? you know the kind where you just want to be held and totally understood. and even if they don't understand, they don't condemn either. i want to just babble, cry, and be broken without them trying to fix me. but, where do i go?

falling into fall

i love everything about fall. the brisk air . the refreshing breeze . drinking pumpkin spice latte from starbucks . bonfires . s'mores . making a pile of leaves just to run through them .

even the colors of fall bring such enjoyment to my soul. brown . burnt orange . deep red . green . yellow . going on hikes just to get lost in the blissful mix of colors .

ah, i've fallen for fall

starry-eyed date

I arrived home late Thursday night. After catching up with Mom, I headed up to Ramoth Gilead - the home of my grandparents, Papa James & AnnaLee. I'd be staying there for the weekend. As I turned the key in the lock, I was flooded with memories:
*childhood hikes through the meadow & out to the bluffs
*discovering fairy holes
*countless photo shoots
*endless sleep-overs
*Saturday morning Mr. Rogers "won't you be my neighbor"
*...and the list could go on for miles...
I peacefully fell into bed soon after midnight. After a restful night of sleep, I woke up without my alarm. I lay there listening to the silence. Enjoying every second, I thought, "I'm home and I love the way home feels." Without knowing what time it was I decided I would put on my sneakers and head out for an early morning walk. I rolled over and caught my first glance at the time...FIVE O'CLOCK AM!
"Ok, body, now you've just gone crazy! Go back to sleep. You don't need to be anywhere for atleast 2 1/2 hours."
"No thanks," was my body's calm response.
So, after fighting with myself for about 20 minutes, I rolled out of bed and snuck outside. The early morning sunrise hadn't even awakened to greet me. I looked up and was awestruck by the sight!
"Good morning, Love. I thought you'd enjoy the view," rang the sweet sound of my Jesus in my soul.
Suddenly, I was taken back to Mauritania, Africa - 2003. While spending 5 days in a Saharan mud hut village, I would lie awake for hours every night staring at the star-lit sky. I had never felt so intimately loved by such an enormous Creator God before that week - or quite honestly since that week.
Back in Arkansas, with the stars glistening in the black sky (not quite as bright as the did in Africa) my heart was set on fire with an intimate love for my Creator. All I could do was lay on my back staring at His immense wonder and worship His incomparable reality. Surrender was no longer an option. In this moment, it was the natural overflow of my heart.
One line from my latest song rushed to mind, "wholly Thine, in this moment for eternity..."

"The heavens declare the glory of God and I want to join them," came the response of my soul.

During my starry-eyed date another piece of my hardened heart was miraculously softened by the love of my God and I knew His stubborn love still hasn't given up on me.

perspective of a child

Last night my sister relayed the latest Larson Lessons. My sister & brother-in-law have two incredible kids (Mikey, age 5, & Isaiah, age 3).

Recently Mikey & Isaiah were sent to their room as punishment. Mike (my brother-in-law) didn't tell them they were going to get spanked, but they must have been preparing for the worst. Haidee (my sister) overheard Mikey comforting Isaiah.

"It's ok, Isaiah. Even if Daddy spanks us, he always hugs us when he's done."

Hearing that beautiful, innocent perspective of a father's love in the midst of discipline caused me to contemplate my reaction to my Heavenly Father's discipline. All too often I focus on the "spanks" and don't even receive the "hugs" that always come. AH! It's so refreshing to learn life lessons from my precious loves!

care to hear my heart?

it's been almost a year since i saw one of my sweet friends. her smile was contagious, her laughter at times a bit excessive, and i sometimes wondered if her loving acceptance was genuine. i always felt loved by her with all her heart when she would greet me with one of her tighter-than-life hugs. our next embrace will be in our heavenly home. i don't understand her death. i question what she went thru to get her to the point of death. was it intentional? was it accidental? did she fully understand the heart of our God that beat with endless love just for her?

she lived the life of a servant. my memories of her are only of her selfless serving. sitting on a floor for hours while cutting & glueing pictures to a posterboard for a missions' fair at church (laughing the whole way through). dressing up in outrageous clothes to emcee a mother/daughter conference. going out of her way to love on each girl at a youth retreat and to make sure no one felt left out.

i wish our talks had gone below the surface. i wish my insecurities would not have kept me from fully engaging in a friendship with her. i wish i could have one more conversation with her to share my heart and hear from hers.

. date with michael .

ah! my day started out perfectly & has only improved with each passing moment. i baked muffins, cut up fruit, made juice & coffee, and chatted it up with amy as she set out jewelry for my friends & i to play in. (i was having a premier designs jewelry party). soon, my living room was full of friends & fashion.
after a quite successful jewelry party, i settled in for some schoolwork. as i was studying spanish vocab & talking with my newly engaged roommate about her upcoming wedding (i love love!) i received an unexpected text...
"do you like michael buble?"
as our texting continued i was invited to attend michael buble's concert in wichita in october and spend the rest of the weekend with one of my favorite arkansas people!

needless to say i am quite overjoyed and giddy with anticipation. *eek*

. unexpected visitor .

my 8 year old neighbor came over - as he often does - for his daily dose of loving attention. i'm ashamed to admit that it's become more common for me to turn him away than to invite him in with loving arms. tonight my home was filled with his contagious laughter as he humiliated me in the card game, war, to which i quickly retaliated with a brutal victory in slap jack. we ate graham crackers, spoke in english, scottish, & irish accents, laughed a lot, and even yelled a few times over who the TRUE winner was.

it was in those moments that i felt truly alive and fully engaged. my dear friend, Donna, recently said, "don't get so focused on your purpose of life that you don't live your life." tonight, i felt what she meant, and it felt FABULOUS!

Life, when fully lived, is truly glorious